WASHINGTON — Breaking a long streak of normal diplomatic posture, the president unveiled his new Board of Peace this week, an ambitious initiative to bring peace to the world — starting with countries that already barely have any conflict to begin with.
During the announcement, the president enthusiastically listed the founding nations — including several whose primary international tension is debating whether to invite everyone to the launch party or just Canada. “We want peace,” he declared. “But also, we want delicious hors d’oeuvres.” Foreign correspondents noted that the reception afterward was a major selling point.
The Board’s stated mission is lofty — “promote global harmony, stability, and excellent diplomatic snacks” — but details are sparse and contain several metaphors. One official brief explained the plan using only interpretations of clouds, sparklers, and interpretive dance.
World leaders have responded with mixed enthusiasm. One European prime minister reportedly asked whether there was room on the Board for philosophers, or if it was strictly for people who could pronounce “harmony” without blinking. A South American president reportedly asked if it came with travel vouchers.
Critics in Congress demanded clarity on what exactly the Board does, with one senator asking, “Is this like NATO but with fancier snacks?” Another suggested more research is needed into whether the Board has a flag, a theme song, or at least uniforms. Rumors persist that the Board rejected an offer from a global peace-promoting choir because they “weren’t harmonious enough.”
Administration spokespeople reassured Americans that the Board’s goals are serious — focusing on peace, prosperity, and the universal right to trade snarky diplomatic tweets. “We believe peace is possible,” a senior advisor said, “especially if everyone just agrees to be nice on Twitter.”
Domestic political reaction has been equally theatrical. Critics called the Board “a bipartisan vacation with paperwork,” while supporters hailed it as “the most optimistic thing since sliced bread went on two-for-one sale.” One congressman announced his own competing initiative — the Council of Harmonious Waiters Who Serve Hors d’oeuvres — though few could explain its purpose.
Despite the ambiguity, the Board of Peace has quickly become an official thing, complete with an acronym that no one outside the administration can remember. Members reportedly welcomed a new member this morning: a delegation of professional conflict mediators dressed like referees.
At press time, the Board was considering its first major action: scheduling a peace summit at a resort that also features complimentary yoga sessions.
