Description: With less than 10 days to go, TPUSA’s All-American Halftime Show boasts no confirmed acts — but it definitely has an enthusiastic roadie named Steve.
Conservative activists across the nation woke up today to great news: Turning Point USA’s All-American Halftime Show definitely still exists, even if nobody really knows who will perform. Despite public anticipation and a ten-day countdown to Super Bowl Sunday, the event’s lineup remains as mysterious as a politician’s tax return.
Sources say the halftime stage is currently bi-partisan: one side stacked with Yamaha drums no one has claimed, and the other with a lone microphone stand standing proudly like a sentinel of uncertain destiny. Rumors have included “possible opera surprise,” “maybe that guy who sang at a wedding once,” and “Nicki Minaj if she remembers where she parked her tour bus.”
Turning Point’s press team issued a heartfelt statement: “We promise we’re working on it.” But as of this morning, the official website lists only one confirmed name: “Steve.” The announcement simply reads: Steve (Roadie/Backup Singer, will maybe sing?), followed by several heart emojis. “We love Steve,” the statement said. “We think Steve can hit some high notes if he tries.”
Conservative Twitter has been ablaze. One user wrote, “Bad Bunny had a set list; we have Steve’s lunch order.” Another posted a heartfelt meme of a tumbleweed rolling across a football field. Many commenters insisted the event was still real and that the suspense is part of the strategy. Others simply asked if Steve had an Instagram.
Former President Trump, weighing in between tweets about pickle preferences and filing cabinets, teased he might drop in if he figures out his schedule. Turning Point spokespeople clarified this would be “very, very epic,” pending Trump’s ability to locate Santa Clara on a map.
Meanwhile, tentative sponsorships have rolled in from patriotic brands like Mom’s Apple Pie Energy Drink and Liberty Socks — now available in camo colors. No contracts have been signed, but brochures are being printed. One volunteer posited that security might even feature real American eagles, pending bird cooperation.
Organizers assured the public that “the show will be unforgettable,” but critics pointed out that quantity of memory loss is not the same as quality entertainment. Some fans optimistically suggested singing the national anthem repeatedly would suffice, while others proposed interpretive dance routines performed by fireworks.
Final punchline: With millions of eyeballs expected on Super Bowl night, one thing is certain: if Steve takes the stage, it’ll be the most patriotic “tuning-up” America has ever witnessed.
