House Speaker Mike Johnson proudly announced a bold new approach to the ICE funding standoff this week: the “Ice Breaker Plan,” in which Immigration and Customs Enforcement gets cash… just one day a week. Conservatives are calling it “strategic and refreshing.”
“It’s like yoga but with uniforms,” Johnson said while unveiling a calendar full of Tuesdays. “We’re embracing targeted enforcement — specially curated to avoid government shutdowns and avoid Wednesdays.” Johnson emphasized that ICE agents will be encouraged to spend their off-Tuesdays exploring creative hobbies like knitting community quilts or joining urban gardening projects.
Hard-line conservatives were initially skeptical, until Johnson revealed the new plan comes with priority concessions: free premium parking for every House member on Tuesday and a rotating snack cart featuring artisanal jerky. “Finally,” said one conservative lawmaker, “we’re funding ICE in a way that reflects our core values — and our snack dreams.”
Former President Trump, after being asked whether he supported the deal, reportedly replied, “Only if the snack cart also has extra pickles.” His sudden preoccupation with pickles overshadowed the key policy details. Rumors swirl that Trump is considering issuing a related executive order pointing toward half-price fries on Wednesdays.
Critics, of course, were not impressed. One liberal commentator tweeted, “This proves Congress is even worse at budgeting than my cousin with seven cats and no health insurance.” But Johnson’s office quickly shot back: “We’re a nation of freedom — including the freedom to fund federal agencies in a quirky midweek fashion.”
Meanwhile, House conservatives declared victory simply because the word “conservative” appears in the press release once. “We’re not funding the entire DHS,” said a triumphant aide. “Just 14.3% of it. That’s conservative math.” By Friday, Capitol Hill cafeterias were offering discounted “Taco Tuesdays,” conveniently aligning legislative priorities with lunchroom specials.
In an unexpected twist, multiple staffers reportedly began wearing sweaters embroidered with “I Heart ICE on Tuesdays,” turning the Hill into a wearable political cartoon. As one aide put it, “We may disagree on policy, but we can all agree that Tuesday is glorious.”
Final punchline: When asked whether other days of the week might someday get funding too, Johnson replied with a wink: “Let’s not get crazy.”
