WASHINGTON — In what cultural insiders are calling the most patriotic identity crisis since red meat met ketchup, the venerable John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts has officially been rebranded as the Trump-Kennedy Center, a move that promises to finally rid America of such frivolities as “boring theater” and “people playing violins quietly.”
No longer will audiences suffer through whimsical Shakespeare productions or sleep-inducing ballet. Instead, on opening night President Trump himself will conduct the Freedom Horn Ensemble, an elite band of tuba players who have sworn never again to play anything softer than “Stars and Stripes Forever.” One trumpeter was overheard warming up with the battle march from 300, because “soft entrances are a woke trap,” he reportedly said.
Inside sources reveal there was initially a brief debate over programming: national anthem sung backwards? Revolutionary War battle reenactments? A dramatic reading of the U.S. Constitution? But artistic director Stephen Wynn (yes, that Wynn), now interim curator of all things high culture, declared: “If it doesn’t make someone stand up, salute, and maybe flex a bit, we’re not even considering it.”
The change has delighted certain segments of the cultural community who have long complained that the Kennedy Center invited too many playwrights who write about ideas. “We had plays about love and existential dread and tax policy,” Wynn lamented in a press release that accidentally had all the vowels replaced with exclamation points. “Now we’ll only stage works about victory, valor, and very big hats.”
But not everyone is thrilled. Classical music purists woke up this morning to find their beloved Mozart substituted with Mozart But With Guns. Jazz aficionados arrived at last night’s gig only to discover every musician had been replaced with a saxophone that plays exclusively The Star-Spangled Banner at 11:00 a.m. sharp. “Is it art if it makes your eardrums salute?” one bewildered attendee asked.
Responding to critics who wonder whether this new direction is too much Trump, the President released a statement:
“America built this nation on the freedom to perform. Now we’re building it on the freedom to perform loudly at 120 decibels until everyone’s ancestors salute.”
Even some Republicans are confused. One congressman was heard whispering, “I thought this was a performing arts center, not a patriotic theme park with wind instruments?” But the administration insists the Kennedy Center will remain “culturally relevant” — by which they mean unanimously pumping out content that makes your spine feel like it’s wearing spurs.
In celebration of the rebrand, the Center has announced marquee events such as:
Tuba Tuesday — Where every song is America, the Beautiful at 3 decibels louder than humanly necessary.
Liberty Ballet — Featuring dancers in camouflage tutus performing choreographed victory spins.
Victory Oboe Extravaganza — Because nothing says freedom like oboes blasting at dawn.
Final punchline: Critics say this is less arts center and more arts sentencing, but hey — at least the sculptures salute you back.
