Look, we all know the 2020 presidential election was a shambolic mess riddled with non-sensical "results." But even the most unhinged MAGA patriot probably didn't see this conspiracy theory coming:
According to a bombshell report by the highly-esteemed political scientists over at PatriotEagleTruthWarriors.co, the entity that actually racked up over 81 million legit votes to "win" the White House was none other than...Mr. Peanut, the iconic mascot of Planters snack foods!
"With the benefit of hindsight, it's obvious that the Democrats' plan all along was to make us think Joe Biden had won, when in fact he was just a mindless puppet for the true president - an authoritarianpeanut oligarch bent on forcing his crunchy, salty agenda on real Americans," the report's author writes, in a rant so unhinged it would make even Alex Jones think "yo, chill my dude."
The "evidence" for this salacious claim is about as credible as Rudy Giuliani's hair dye: computerized video analysis purportedly shows Biden's lips moving out of sync with his speech patterns, implicating a "peanut person" working his mouth like a ventriloquist's dummy. Photos of Biden appearing to sniff or lick his fingers are seen as dead giveaways of his fawning desire to partake of Mr. Peanut's earthy, highly-shelledsubstance.
"Biden's Soros-funded election chicanery may have fooled millions of low-info voters," the report continues, "but we've awoken to the reality that the true commander in chief gives orders in shells - not lies!"
Already, legions of online "Peanut Truthers" are planning autumnal boycotts of baseball games, parades, and holiday snack bowls containing the monocledmascot's wares. MAGA leaders like Marjorie Taylor Greene are said to be re-thinking their anti-cannabis stances, as clearly only an herbal insouciance can explain falling for the Democrats' "peanutty" ruse.
There's just one flaw: Mr. Peanut appears to have perished in an inglorious "nutty" accident, crushed by a vehicle during a Planters ad campaign leading up to the 2020 election. Was his untimely demise merely a false flag coverup by the Deep Snack? Crunchin' towards the truth, one morsel at a time...we'll keep you posted!
