Nashville, TN - The head of The Daily Wire, Jeremy Boreing, barged into his office late Monday night yelling about a “new, healthy beverage” he just picked up at his local grocery store. “It’s got this weird stuff floating at the bottom, but it tastes like blueberries and the super ripped guy at the store told me it’s a superfood!” said Jeremy while waving around his kombucha wildly.
After being told that kombucha is the liberal hippy drink of choice, Boreing literally had a light bulb turn on above his head. “Boys, I just had a multi-thousand dollar idea!” yelled Boreing as he rushed to his white board to scribble down the words “healthy juice + conservative = profits”.
At publishing time, Jeremy could be heard shouting to his employees that they need to launch a new brand of toothpaste because Crest just released a Pride toothpaste that turns your gums into the rainbow flag. Boreing could be heard shouting, “this is Def Con 1 people, they’re coming after our oral health!”
