WASHINGTON D.C. - In a groundbreaking revelation that has sent shockwaves through the Flat Earther community, a team of leading scientists has announced that Earth is, in fact, not flat. Instead, they claim it's simply "incredibly wrinkled."
"Years of meticulous research, involving everything from advanced satellite imaging to taste-testing various soil samples from around the globe, have led us to this undeniable conclusion," declared Dr. Bartholomew Fignewton, head of the study. "While the Earth may not be a perfect sphere, it's certainly not the pancake some individuals insist it is."
Fignewton's team attributes the wrinkles to a combination of factors, including the Earth's natural rotation, the uneven distribution of continents, and the persistent habit of some humans throwing their trash out of car windows.
The news has been met with mixed reactions. Diehard Flat Earthers are predictably outraged, calling the study "fake news" and accusing scientists of being paid off by Big Globe. One particularly vocal member, Harold Butternut, declared, "This is just another attempt by the Illuminati to control our minds! The Earth is flat, and if you say otherwise, you're a sheep!"
However, many others have embraced the new findings. "Finally, some scientific validation for my constant back pain!" exclaimed Sarah Smoothbottom, a self-proclaimed "wrinkled Earth enthusiast." "It all makes sense now! The Earth's wobbly rotation explains my morning clumsiness, and the continental bumps justify my frequent trips to the chiropractor."
The study has also sparked a new wave of conspiracy theories. Some speculate the wrinkles are ancient messages left by aliens, while others believe they're a giant roadmap leading to the lost city of Atlantis.
Meanwhile, scientists remain focused on further research. "We're still trying to determine the exact number of wrinkles and their individual depths," said Dr. Fignewton. "There's also the question of whether ironing the Earth is even possible, and if so, who gets to do it?"
One thing is certain: the debate over the Earth's shape is far from over. But with the wrinkle theory gaining traction, one can only wonder what absurd arguments Flat Earthers will come up with next. Perhaps the Earth is a giant croissant, or maybe it's a deflated bouncy castle. Only time, and possibly a good therapist, will tell.
