Campus protesters across America demanded universities formally recognize professional activism as a full academic discipline this week after several students complained their constant demonstrations were interfering with their ability to fail classes naturally.
The movement gained traction following ongoing clashes between universities, activists, and federal scrutiny over campus protests nationwide.
Student organizers are now calling for new degree pathways including Advanced Megaphone Studies, Applied Sidewalk Blocking, and Queer Revolutionary Drumming Theory.
“We are tired of universities pretending activism isn’t work,” shouted one student while zip-tying himself to a campus kombucha cart. “Do you know how exhausting interpretive chanting is?”
Under the proposal, students would earn course credit for occupying administration buildings, interrupting guest speakers, and crying during economics lectures.
One graduate student claimed she spent “hundreds of hours” practicing aggressive finger snapping to silence opposing viewpoints.
“That’s basically lab research,” she argued.
Faculty members quickly embraced the idea.
A sociology professor at an unnamed university said activism already meets academic standards because “both involve avoiding practical employment.”
Several universities reportedly began experimenting with grading systems based on protest intensity.
Students who merely hold signs receive a C-minus, while chaining themselves to library furniture earns dean’s list honors.
One Ivy League administrator praised the innovation.
“For too long we privileged outdated disciplines like engineering and medicine,” she explained. “The future economy clearly belongs to emotionally overwhelmed people screaming at statues.”
Students are also requesting meal-plan reimbursement for protest-related calorie burn.
According to activists, marching in circles while chanting “Hey hey, ho ho” qualifies as “cardio-centered resistance training.”
Campus officials attempted compromise by offering protesters an optional seminar called How To Attend One Single Lecture, but attendance remained low.
Critics say universities have allowed activism culture to spiral into absurdity.
One exhausted janitor described cleaning up after a weeklong “anti-capitalist sit-in” sponsored entirely by DoorDash deliveries and Starbucks gift cards.
“It’s amazing,” he said. “They’re protesting the system using premium subscription services.”
Still, students insist history is on their side.
“We are this generation’s civil rights movement,” declared one masked protest leader before asking his father to Venmo him rent money.
At press time, universities nationwide announced plans to replace final exams with competitive outrage tournaments judged by NPR interns and emotionally supportive therapy llamas.
