The White House announced Thursday that a historic peace agreement with Iran is now closer than ever, marking the twenty-eighth consecutive declaration that peace is just around the corner.
Administration officials described the negotiations as "extremely promising," noting that both sides have successfully progressed from exchanging missiles to exchanging strongly worded press releases before occasionally returning to missiles again.
Diplomats hailed the development as a major breakthrough.
"We've entered the advanced stage of almost reaching the phase where we may someday discuss being near a deal," explained one negotiator.
Financial markets initially responded positively before realizing they had responded positively to the exact same announcement three separate times this month.
To help Americans understand the process, the State Department unveiled a new chart titled The Road to Peace.
The chart consisted entirely of circles connected to other circles.
Officials insisted this was intentional.
"Foreign policy is complex," said one spokesperson. "Sometimes you move forward. Sometimes you move backward. Sometimes you spend three weeks arguing over what 'forward' means."
Political analysts immediately praised the administration's optimism.
"It takes courage to announce a deal before the people signing the deal know about it," remarked one television host. "That's visionary leadership."
The announcement also sparked excitement among Washington think tanks, which immediately scheduled forty-seven conferences titled Why This Time Is Different.
Registration sold out within minutes.
Meanwhile, Pentagon planners reportedly created a new operational category called "Peace Through Continuous Clarification."
Under the strategy, ceasefires remain active unless interrupted by military actions, hostile rhetoric, sanctions, retaliations, misunderstandings, calendar conflicts, or weekdays ending in Y.
One diplomat remained hopeful.
"We're incredibly close," he said. "If everything goes perfectly, nobody changes their mind, and reality cooperates, we could have peace by the weekend."
Religious leaders observing the negotiations offered a more timeless perspective.
"Blessed are the peacemakers," said one pastor. "Though apparently they now require hourly status updates."
As reporters pressed officials for details, the administration confirmed that the agreement would officially take effect immediately after both sides finish negotiating the meaning of the words 'agreement,' 'officially,' and 'immediately.'
At press time, negotiators announced a breakthrough understanding that another breakthrough announcement would be announced tomorrow.
