Officials celebrated the nomination of a new intelligence chief by assuring Americans that the candidate possesses the rare combination of legal experience, executive leadership, and the ability to locate the settings menu on a smartphone without asking a teenager for help.
Sources close to the administration said the selection process was exhaustive.
"We considered dozens of candidates," explained one senior official. "Some had intelligence backgrounds, some had military experience, and some had actually worked in intelligence agencies. Frankly, that seemed a little too obvious."
The official added that Washington wanted someone capable of bringing a fresh perspective to national security.
"For decades we've relied on intelligence professionals to run intelligence. Have you seen where that's gotten us? We decided to try someone who might accidentally improve things."
Experts immediately began debating whether experience was overrated.
A panel hosted by cable news featured twelve commentators who had never worked in intelligence explaining why intelligence experience was absolutely essential.
"We cannot allow amateurs to manage national secrets," said one analyst whose primary qualification was maintaining a verified social media account. "This is a serious profession."
Meanwhile, government employees reportedly spent the afternoon updating résumés after hearing rumors that the new leadership might evaluate agencies based on productivity rather than PowerPoint creativity.
One longtime bureaucrat expressed concern.
"If they start measuring results, we're finished," he whispered. "Some of us have spent years developing highly sophisticated procedures for scheduling meetings about future meetings."
Others welcomed the possibility of reform.
"We've been trying to simplify processes for years," said another official. "Currently it takes fourteen approvals to order a stapler. Last month we accidentally created a subcommittee to study whether the stapler committee needed more diversity."
Political opponents quickly warned that democracy itself was hanging by a thread.
"Today it's appointing someone from outside the intelligence world," declared one activist. "Tomorrow people may start expecting government agencies to accomplish their stated missions."
At press time, Congress had announced the formation of a bipartisan commission to determine whether competence might represent a threat to established Washington traditions.
The commission is expected to release its findings sometime around 2047, assuming it can first agree on a logo.
