Washington erupted into chaos this week after lawmakers spent several days arguing over intelligence powers, surveillance authorities, and whether government officials should be trusted to monitor government officials.
To solve the crisis, Congress announced the formation of a new Federal Oversight Oversight Oversight Committee.
The committee's mission is simple: ensure that the agencies overseeing the agencies overseeing Americans are themselves properly overseen by people being overseen by other agencies.
"It's really quite straightforward," explained Senator Randall Bureaucraft. "We're creating accountability through layers of accountability so extensive that nobody will ever find accountability again."
The proposal comes amid heated debate surrounding intelligence appointments and surveillance authorities in Washington.
According to lawmakers, Americans have become increasingly concerned about privacy.
To address those concerns, the government plans to collect more information than ever before.
"You can't protect privacy without thoroughly documenting it first," one official explained.
The new system will reportedly track every email, phone call, text message, internet search, and suspiciously long pause before clicking "Accept Cookies."
Citizens displaying unusual behavior—such as reading terms and conditions—may receive additional monitoring.
Government consultants estimate the plan will create 47,000 new federal jobs and approximately 12 million pages of annual paperwork.
The paperwork itself will require a separate agency.
"We're very excited about that," said one bureaucrat. "The forms to request the forms are already complete."
Media analysts praised the development.
Several outlets noted that Americans generally distrust Washington, making Washington the ideal institution to fix Washington.
Meanwhile, ordinary voters expressed confusion.
"I thought the government already knew everything about me," said one resident.
"It does," replied a federal spokesman. "We're just trying to organize it better."
Faith leaders offered a contrasting view.
"Trust is earned through honesty and transparency," one pastor said.
Congress thanked him for his input and immediately scheduled a hearing to determine whether transparency should require federal licensing.
At press time, lawmakers announced a breakthrough compromise: every American will now receive a personal surveillance officer to ensure their privacy remains protected at all times.
