Mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani's proposal to spend millions of taxpayer dollars on gender procedures has inspired New York lawmakers to take the next logical step: creating the nation's first fully comprehensive Department of Personal Reinvention.
Officials say the new initiative will ensure every resident can become whoever they feel like being before lunch and someone entirely different by dinner.
"This is about healthcare," explained Deputy Commissioner Willow Moonbeam. "Specifically, healthcare for conditions that didn't exist five minutes ago but are now central to a person's identity."
Under the proposal, residents will receive government-funded Transformation Credits redeemable for customized pronouns, identity consultants, and quarterly self-discovery retreats in the Catskills.
A leaked budget document revealed that the city plans to spend more on "affirmation infrastructure" than pothole repairs, public transportation, and functioning streetlights combined.
Officials defended the spending.
"You can drive around a pothole," said one city council member. "But how do you drive around emotional discomfort?"
Experts estimate the average New Yorker currently identifies as 3.7 different things before breakfast. The city hopes to increase that number to six by 2028.
Several hospitals have already prepared for the influx.
One administrator announced the opening of a new wing dedicated entirely to patients seeking treatment for chronic exposure to opposing viewpoints.
"We're seeing alarming levels of reality contact," he said. "Many sufferers have accidentally encountered biological facts."
The program also includes taxpayer-funded support groups for residents traumatized by seeing forms with only two gender options.
Meanwhile, frustrated taxpayers questioned whether public funds should prioritize crime, housing, or infrastructure.
Those concerns were immediately categorized as a mental health issue.
"We hear your anxiety," said officials. "That's why we've allocated another $2 million to help you process it."
Local pastors offered a gentler response.
"People deserve compassion and dignity," one pastor said. "But compassion generally doesn't require a government line item larger than the sanitation budget."
By week's end, city leaders were celebrating the program's success after redefining "success" as "feeling successful."
At press time, New York announced plans to eliminate budget deficits by identifying all negative account balances as positive financial experiences.
