BOSTON - In a move guaranteed to melt snowflakes across the state, the Commonwealth of Massachusetts has announced a groundbreaking new initiative: the official categorization of snowmen as non-binary gender fluid precipitations (NGFPs). The controversial policy, effective immediately, mandates all снежные бабы (pronounced “snezhnye baby”, Russian for “snow woman”) and their frosty counterparts comply with the new nomenclature or face potential deconstruction.
"The traditional 'snowman' label is exclusionary and heteronormative," declared Governor Maura Healey at a press conference held outdoors (ironically, adjacent to a towering 15-foot snowman sporting a rainbow scarf). "By recognizing snow as a non-binary entity that defies rigid boundaries, we're paving the way for a more inclusive winter wonderland."
Critics of the policy, predictably, include several disgruntled squirrels who voiced concerns about their acorn stashes being threatened by NGFPs with "wandering carrot noses." Local meteorologists also expressed confusion, questioning the scientific basis for assigning gender fluidity to frozen water molecules.
"I've been tracking weather patterns for 30 years, and I've never seen a 'gender fluid precipitation' on my radar," grumbled veteran meteorologist Hank Weatherby. "Is this some kind of woke snowpocalypse we're facing here?"
Undeterred by the backlash, the state has rolled out a comprehensive NGFP registration program. All снежные бабы and snowmen must now file online forms specifying their preferred pronoun (they/them being the default) and a brief self-identification essay exploring their fluidity along the snowy spectrum. Failure to register could result in fines or, in extreme cases, a forced metamorphosis into a slush puddle.
Meanwhile, enterprising merchants have already begun capitalizing on the new policy. Local hardware stores are stocking shelves with "gender-neutral carrot sets" featuring carrots of various shapes and sizes, while Etsy crafters are hawking miniature rainbow flags to adorn NGFP appendages.
One Boston resident, however, remains unconvinced. "I just want to build a snowman with my kid and enjoy a classic winter day," sighed John Smith, shoveling his driveway. "Who cares if it's a boy or a girl or neither? It's just a pile of snow!"
As the debate over NGFPs rages on, one thing is certain: this winter in Massachusetts promises to be anything but ordinary. Just remember, when building your снежная баба or snowman, pack your inclusivity shovel alongside your carrot and coal – you never know what pronouns your frosty creation might prefer.
