SANCTIMONIOUSVILLE, CA - In a shocking display of consumer entitlement, Gerald "Jerry" Grumblesworth, 42, returned to the Church of Personal Choice yesterday demanding a full refund for his "free will." Grumblesworth, a self-proclaimed "free thinker," was apparently upset to discover that his free will came with limitations, namely, the lack of an endless supply of churros.
"I signed up for free will, not free-will-lite!" Grumblesworth exclaimed, brandishing a crumpled receipt adorned with a picture of a smiling cherub holding a single churro. "This is false advertising! I should be able to eat as many churros as I want, whenever I want, without consequence!"
Church officials, visibly bewildered, attempted to explain the fundamental concept of choice to Mr. Grumblesworth. "Sir," explained Pastor Bartholomew Meekly, adjusting his spectacles, "free will allows you to choose what you want, within the boundaries of reality and, you know, physics."
Grumblesworth, however, remained unconvinced. "Physics? Reality? What kind of communist propaganda is that?" he sputtered, before launching into a tirade about the existence of unicorns and the inherent oppressiveness of gravity.
The incident left churchgoers bewildered and slightly concerned. "I always thought free will was about making moral choices, not about getting unlimited churros," whispered one elderly woman to her neighbor. "Maybe I should have chosen the Church of Predestination instead."
Meanwhile, Mr. Grumblesworth stormed out of the church, vowing to sue for emotional distress and "churrobation deprivation." He was last seen arguing with a squirrel over the last remaining donut at a local bakery.
