Worried you're not quite woke enough? Fearful your carbon footprint is thicker than your grandma's gravy? Concerned your recycling efforts pale in comparison to Greta Thunberg's glare? Introducing the revolutionary "Social Credit Calculator," the one-stop shop for quantifying your human value!
Gone are the days of subjective morals and pesky self-reflection. With the Social Credit Calculator, your worth is as objective as a Kardashian selfie filter! Simply plug in your daily activities, and watch your score soar (or nosedive) like a Dogecoin during Elon's latest Twitter tantrum.
Here's a glimpse into the thrilling world of quantified self-esteem:
- Liked a controversial Facebook post? Bam! -5 points. You're basically a digital pariah, one step away from hosting your own yurt-dwelling podcast about chemtrails.
- Used single-use plastic? Say goodbye to that organic kale smoothie, friend. It's instant ramen for you, you eco-traitor. (-10 points)
- Donated to a non-government-approved charity? Well, well, well, look who fancies themselves a humanitarian rebel. Prepare for a lifetime ban from all Amazon Prime Day sales. (-20 points, and a stern email from Jeff Bezos himself.)
But fear not, for redemption is at hand! Here's how to climb the social credit ladder faster than a Kardashian scaling the Forbes list:
- Share every government-sponsored news article to your social media. Even if it's about the thrilling adventures of a genetically modified potato winning a potato beauty pageant. (+5 points for blind obedience!)
- Report your elderly neighbor for jaywalking. After all, what's a broken hip compared to a pristine crosswalk? (+10 points for patriotic vigilance!)
- Buy the latest government-branded self-help app. Learn how to fold your socks in the officially sanctioned, productivity-maximizing way! (+15 points for contributing to the GDP!)
And the ultimate prize for a perfect score? Why, it's the golden ticket to utopia, of course! Imagine a world where your social credit unlocks doors to exclusive government-sponsored theme parks filled with dancing robots and mandatory group singalongs of the national anthem. A world devoid of nuance, dissent, or the inconvenience of independent thought!
So, what are you waiting for? Download the Social Credit Calculator today and start quantifying your worth! Remember, every like, every share, every government-approved purchase is a brick on the path to a glorious, homogenized future! Just don't ask too many questions. Nobody likes a low scorer.
Disclaimer: This is obviously satire. Please don't actually quantify your self-worth based on a fictional app. Or, you know, do. We're not judging... much.
