Forget candy canes and carols — this Christmas, Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz delivered the gift of semantic chaos by announcing that Republican VP hopeful JD Vance is a “white supremacist,” and insists it’s all in the spirit of holiday unity. According to a release that read like a Mad Lib gone wrong, Walz claimed “white people don’t have to apologize for being white,” and boom, that apparently qualifies as white supremacy now.
In an exclusive press conference held beside a gaudy inflatable Santa that blinked “DEFUND THE NORTH POLE,” Walz explained his logic with crystal clarity: “If JD Vance says people shouldn’t apologize for being white, and people not apologizing sounds like something nobody should apologize for, then by my lights that makes him — hold onto your eggnog — a Christmas-themed white supremacist.” When asked to define “white supremacist,” Walz reportedly consulted a Magic 8-Ball that said “Try again later.”
Political analysts immediately flocked to Twitter to praise Walz’s linguistic inventiveness. “This is the sort of nuanced political branding that makes 2025 such a merry year,” tweeted one pundit while sipping a Starbucks Peppermint Mocha. Others pointed out that if not apologizing for one’s existence is now the rubicon for extremism, then every mirror in America should come with a warning label.
Vance himself responded from a cozy Wilmington ranch, where he was seen knitting sweaters labeled “Not Apologizing Since 2023.” In a statement that read like a Christmas card from a guy who definitely likes Christmas, Vance said, “I celebrate all Americans equally — which apparently makes me worse than Scrooge but not as bad as the gingerbread man who refuses to pay taxes.”
Asked whether he still plans to run for national office after receiving this red-and-green holiday accusation, Vance shrugged and said, “I guess when you get bundled in with the Grinch and white supremacists on the same day, you know you’re doing something right.”
Meanwhile, Walz announced a follow-up event: a bipartisan caroling session where everyone will sing both “Silent Night” and “This Land Is Your Land,” to ensure everyone feels judged equally. Sources say the invite list currently includes Santa, Frosty, and at least three people who weren’t sure if they were conservatives or just hungry.
Final Punchline: In the end, Walz concluded: “If making JD Vance a seasonal villain brings families together at Christmas, then I’ll call him a white supremacist every December until 2030 — and I’m not even sorry about it!”
