The conservative movement, long united by its shared belief in freedom, fiscal responsibility, and trophy-collecting at Costco, has formally unveiled its “Blame Unity Plan.” Sources say the initiative was developed after months of intense focus groups involving TikTok polls, late-night radio screeds, and a single Zoom call where everyone talked over each other for two hours.
At the heart of the plan: mutual blame as an art form, a strategy designed to strengthen ideological bonds by ensuring no one knows which faction hates the other more. A leaked memo reveals the new guiding principle: “If you can’t agree on policy, at least agree on who’s at fault.”
“The Blame Unity Plan is a game changer,” said one unidentified strategist. “Why work through disagreements when you can loudly accuse each other of being secret communists, crypto-woke, or worst of all — reasonable?”
This comes as media personality Megyn Kelly publicly accused fellow conservatives Ben Shapiro and Bari Weiss of “making antisemites” simply for having opinions about Israel and correspondent etiquette. Her exact words, delivered with all the gravitas of a historian describing the fall of Rome: “They. Are. Making. Antisemites.”
Critics of the plan argue it’s basically the same strategy used in every family Thanksgiving argument, but with more Grubhub orders and fewer apologies later. “I told my spouse they’re the reason the Wi-Fi keeps dropping,” confessed one supporter. “Now we’re in a better place emotionally than most conservative think tanks.”
The Heritage Foundation, meanwhile, experienced its own dramatic reunion tour of internal strife this week after staff quit en masse amid a feud over whether hosting fiery interviews with controversial figures is good for brand loyalty or just really dramatic content. More than a dozen employees walked out — leaving behind an empty office and one very confused office goldfish.
“Honestly, if we just wrote ‘internal conflict’ on the main door, we’d save everyone a lot of time,” said one ex-staffer, now freelancing as a blame consultant.
Supporters of Blame Unity say the plan will go global, potentially solving disputes from boardrooms to brunch tables. “It’s like adoption of the Oxford comma,” one analyst mused. “Once everyone complains loudly enough, you know it’s working.”
In closing, the Blame Unity Plan’s motto rings true: When in doubt, point a finger — preferably at someone you disagree with on Twitter.
