In an unsurprising twist that surprised exactly no one, the University of Virginia has appointed a new president with a long history of championing diversity, equity, and inclusion — or as students affectionately call it: “That Thing Conservatives Thought Was Already Dead.”
The choice has triggered the latest scorching conservative critique cycle, with commentators arguing that the leadership pick proves once again DEI is alive, well, and apparently has tenure. Critics were particularly incensed that the appointment came soon after the board loudly dissolved its own official DEI office. Logic experts are still stroking their chins.
“It defies belief,” declared one analyst, possibly in a moment of deep introspection — or maybe just out of pure habit. “Why appoint someone with DEI experience after expressly trying to remove DEI?”
University officials responded with calm Southern grace, stating the appointment reflects a commitment to everyone — except the people who prefer universities to be only merit and no colorful posters.
“It’s like putting together a recipe,” one spokesperson explained. “First you throw out the ingredients, then you add 14 new ones no one asked for — except everyone keeps tasting it and saying it’s just fine.”
Onlookers note this has become the Colbert Report version of higher education realignment — where every policy shift feels like a segment on comedy TV that’s also a hedge-fund strategy session. Even the board’s rector was reportedly overheard at a coffee shop saying, “I think we’re doing exactly what we said we weren’t going to do, but louder.”
Meanwhile, conservatives have launched a multi-platform social media initiative called Operation: Wait What Now? The campaign features memes ranging from confused owls to historical figures scratching their helmets. Early analytics show strong engagement among users aged 18–65+ with assorted feelings about universities in general.
Inside sources joke that the only remaining question is not whether the president selected supports inclusion — but whether his inauguration speech will be broadcast live with subtitles for optimal outrage.
In related news, the term DEI has reportedly begun circulating in conservative bingo games, right between “Meritocracy!” and “Triggered.” The current high score? Twenty-three groans and one person loudly quoting Sun Tzu at a holiday party.
