WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Reserve announced plans to cut interest rates in an effort to prevent the slowdown created by its previous attempts to prevent inflation caused by its earlier rate cuts that were meant to prevent a slowdown.
Fed Chair Jerome Powell described the decision as “a carefully calibrated reversal of the reversal of our earlier reversal,” adding that it was “time to stimulate the damage we previously tightened to prevent.” Economists praised the move as part of the Fed’s long-term strategy of alternating between panic and regret until equilibrium is accidentally achieved.
According to sources, the benchmark rate will be lowered by 25 basis points, enough to “give homebuyers hope without letting them actually buy anything.” Markets reacted positively, with the Dow rising 400 points on the news that confusion remains the nation’s most stable economic indicator.
At publishing time, Powell hinted that future policy may involve “raising rates again to offset the negative effects of lowering them,” once inflation from the current cut begins to appear.
