In a development that has left diplomats, military strategists, and Venezuelan oil executives equally confused, former President Donald Trump announced that the United States will “run Venezuela” following the stunning capture of Nicolás Maduro — a plan critics say was drafted mid-flight on Air Force One between golf swings and Tweet storms.
“We’re going to govern until Venezuela figures out how not to be Venezuela,” Trump declared, waving a crumpled World Atlas and a barbecue brush for emphasis. “Look — everybody wants to blame Congress, globalists, or quantum magnetism — but until this country starts drilling oil like it’s a baby shower, we’ve gotta stay.”
Conservative pundits immediately embraced the idea. One commentator declared, “If Trump runs Venezuela like he ran the Oscars guest list, we’ll have free bribes for everyone!” Others speculated the plan’s true goal was to standardize the metric system for measuring golf handicap and oil barrels. Meanwhile, some MAGA purists were perplexed — since “America First” historically meant not actually being first anywhere outside Florida.
In Caracas, interim President Delcy Rodríguez responded by announcing Operation Free Wi-Fi for All, a program Trump confused for “running the place.” Rodríguez clarified: “No — we still run it. But we’ll let Americans use the bathrooms.”
Congress, meanwhile, has been left out of the loop — a situation Democratic leaders described as “shockingly familiar,” and Republicans described as “that thing we warned would happen when we said nobody needs to check executive power.” One senator quipped, “I haven’t been this overlooked since my last family reunion.” Critics charged that governing a sovereign country without approval might violate, you know, law — but defenders noted that oil-industry lobbyists are currently drafting a 350-page proclamation titled “Don’t Worry, We Went to Law School Once.”
As part of the governance plan, Trump reportedly issued a 47-step blueprint, including items such as:
- “Teach Venezuela the art of BBQ diplomacy.”
- “Rename all highways after NASCAR tracks.”
- “Free gasoline for every American family… permanently… maybe.”
Oil executives are already confusedly raising their eyebrows and pens.
In closing, an anonymous White House aide declared: “We’re not occupying Venezuela. We’re just running it like a boutique resort with better oil deals and worse coffee.” — which, in America’s foreign policy lexicon, apparently counts as non-intervention.
