The White House assured Americans this week that the economy has never been stronger, citing strong vibes, resilient feelings, and a newly discovered nutritional breakthrough known as Optimism™.
According to senior officials, rising grocery prices are not a sign of economic trouble but a “perception issue rooted in outdated expectations like food.” One spokesperson clarified, “When Americans stop obsessing over luxuries like meat, eggs, and shelter, they’ll realize the economy is booming.”
The administration pointed to several indicators of success, including record-high credit card debt, increased use of budgeting apps, and the emotional growth experienced by families who now treat dinner as a “creative challenge.”
“We’re seeing unprecedented adaptability,” an aide said proudly. “Families are discovering new protein sources like hope, resilience, and whatever’s left in the back of the freezer.”
To help Americans adjust, the Department of Health announced updated dietary guidelines recommending citizens consume one balanced thought per meal and replace snacks with affirmations. Children, officials added, can substitute lunch with a school-approved worksheet reminding them the economy is doing great.
When asked why Americans feel poorer despite official reports claiming prosperity, an economic advisor blamed misinformation. “Right-wing extremists keep spreading the lie that groceries used to cost less,” he said. “That’s dangerous nostalgia.”
Meanwhile, the White House rolled out a new initiative encouraging Americans to “redefine wealth.” Under the program, wealth no longer includes home ownership, savings, or disposable income — but rather “access to government explanations.”
Critics noted that CEOs and government officials appear unaffected by the economic optimism diet, but officials dismissed this as coincidence. “Leadership requires calories,” one staffer explained.
At press time, the administration celebrated another economic win after successfully convincing Americans that skipping breakfast builds character — and strengthens democracy.
