WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what one federal agency head called “an unexpected revelation,” government officials have confirmed that when Congress doesn’t fund federal programs, the government truly... shuts down. Yes, it’s not just a metaphor for paperwork piling up.
During a recent Q&A at a policy event hosted by Breitbart News, Lee Zeldin, head of the Environmental Protection Agency, delivered the candid admission: “Let’s get the government open and functioning. If you ask the average American what they want… one of the very basic things is that they want to see it function.”
This came after weeks of the so-called “shutdown” during which several agencies were operating on carry-over or emergency funds — not unlike a family trying to get by on the crumbs from last month’s budget. Zeldin called on Democrats to end the shutdown immediately, warning that even clearing land and clean air are now at risk of “running out of runway.”
Inside the beltway, reaction ranged from relief (“Oh, so the machine actually needs fuel”) to horror (“That means the prizes at the senior staff holiday party might be delayed”). One junior staffer reportedly was asked whether “shut down” meant “everything closes” or simply “everyone works slower.”
A senior official, wishing to remain anonymous, commented: “We thought ‘shutdown’ meant maybe no new forms, maybe furloughs for interns, maybe fewer coffee-meetings. But this time… the lights turned off.”
Meanwhile, conservative commentators hailed the moment as a victory for common sense: after all, if the government is going to be grand, maybe it should at least… open.
In an ironic finale, one GOP lawmaker joked: “Next time we’ll write ‘Pause’ in the budget title and see if anyone notices.”
