At the most recent election-night broadcast, Ken Martin, chair of the Democratic National Committee, made a bold proclamation: “No one gives a sh*t about cultural issues anymore.”
Yes, you read that right. The very party that once declared the culture wars alive and well is now hearing “kitchen-table issues” echoing louder than pronouns, intersectionality, and the latest cancel-mob fire-sale.
“We lost the script where everybody screamed at each other,” Martin declared. “Now they’re asking: ‘Can I cover rent? Can I buy eggs without a PhD in social justice first?’” The chair’s message: Republicans forget affordability at their peril, cultural debates are so last century.
Satirical twist time:
Picture a GOP town-hall where someone raises their hand: “What about kids in schools reading Shakespeare?” The Republican candidate nervously flips a cue card reading: “Mention eggs, not gender identity.” Because apparently in 2025 the voters have switched from pronouns to poultry.
One democratic insider whispered, “We’re not selling DEI and wokeness junk anymore. We’re selling coupons for cheaper cheese.” The slogan for 2026? “Affordable gouda for all.” Suddenly, “culture war” means “culture of paying less for dairy.”
Still, there’s irony: the DNC is dropping culture-wars ammunition just as the media pundits keep spinning that kids only care about pronouns, climate-doom, and TikTok dances. Martin: “Nope. They care about actual table-ware now. Like a table with four legs, maybe.”
“What they care about … is they can’t afford their rent, they can’t afford their groceries.” — Ken Martin
Final punchline:
So the new battlefront isn’t in restrooms or Twitter threads—it’s the foil-wrapped eggs in the cart of your local supermarket. And if you’ve got to choose between being outraged or outright hangry, well, see you next election cycle.
