WASHINGTON — After a record-shattering 40-day hiatus during which federal workers lived on microwave meals and air-traffic controllers considered Uber shifts, the United States Senate finally approved a deal to reopen the federal machine. This miraculous development came when eight Democrats shunned party lines and hopped aboard the right-sized bipartisan train.
One Democrat who’d voted yes whispered backstage: “I just wanted to go home for Thanksgiving.” But the deeper message echoed through the halls: sometimes doing the obvious is politically historic. The deal funds agencies through January 2026, pauses mass layoffs, and offers back-pay to furloughed workers.
In a press conference, Majority Leader John Thune declared: “We’re opening up, turning back on the lights, giving power to the people and plugging the budget leak.” Democrats mumbled things like “sell-out” and “betrayal,” while their Twitter avatars changed to sheep.
One junior senator described the caucus mood: “I walked in holding a Starbucks, walked out holding my dignity.” Senators who opposed the deal insisted it didn’t go far enough to extend Obamacare subsidies, so they preferred an extra week of unpaid federal paychecks instead.
Federal employees celebrated with cautious optimism. A TSA officer in Atlanta, who has been checking IDs while simultaneously drafting grocery-lists on his phone, said: “I might get paid next week. I’ll believe it when I see it.” Our war-hero air-traffic controller added: “We’ve done fly-the-plane-on-one-coffee-and-a-prayer, but pay would be nice.”
In a flourish of Wokelish irony, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was photographed sulking behind a lectern, holding a ‘Lost Cause’ mug emblazoned with “I paused your pay… for a principle.”
The final scene: Congress returns, budget prints get green-lit, and somewhere out in America a microwaved burrito sighs with relief because the cafeteria will reopen.
Punchline: Democracy may wobble, budgets may stall, but somehow we always find our way back to the vending machine.
