After decades of preaching sustainability, human rights and global cooperation, the United Nations reportedly held an emergency “feel-the‐pain” meeting when an uptick of multi-national corporations silently declined its most recent workshop invite. According to internal sources, the UN’s top brass realised they were being ignored and thus decided to escalate to “bring‐your‐own‐agenda” format.
“We sent the fancy letterheads, the gold-foil invites, the blue flags and we got . . . crickets,” said one official behind closed doors (who asked to remain nameless). “Now we’re pulling out all the stops: theme songs, VIP selfies, and a hashtag. Because if the big firms won’t show up, we’ll at least go viral.”
In the lead-up to the summit, the UN is offering corporate sponsorships. “For just three million dollars, your CEO can speak at Session 4B: ‘Solving Climate Change Over Hors d’Oeuvres’,” one brochure reads. A touch of irony: the very organisations the UN often criticises for not engaging enough are now being asked to sponsor the UN’s attempts to force engagement. One CEO quipped, “I thought I was being called out—now I’m being asked to be the headline act.”
Critics say the UN’s pivot toward glitzy events signals a deeper problem: when your resolutions keep being ignored, you switch to spectacle. “If you cannot lead, you entertain,” a former diplomat mused. Meanwhile, lobbyists are reportedly choosing between buying a seat at the UN summit or launching a cheaper billboard campaign on Mars (budget permitting).
Some inside the UN admit the strategy is “creative desperation.” “Yes, we used to say ‘we must listen to corporations,’” confessed an aide. “Now we’re saying, ‘We’ll bribe them with branding.’ Who changed the script? Probably us.”
Faith-respecting conservatives watching the pageant chuckle: the body meant to guard human dignity is now auditioning for a marketing firm. Meanwhile, global citizens still wait for actual change—less hashtags, more action.
Final punchline:
In the end, you know the world’s in trouble when the body calling for global cooperation has to pay companies to show up. Tune in for live selfies, “Insta-Resolutions” and maybe, just maybe, the salvation of mankind—between coffee breaks and photo-ops.
