Congress achieved a rare moment of bipartisan cooperation this week after passing a massive 9,000-page spending package that lawmakers proudly admitted they had not read, skimmed, or emotionally prepared for.
The bill reportedly includes funding for border security, electric shrimp farming, Antarctic gender studies, and a federally subsidized meditation app for emotionally exhausted lobbyists.
“We may not know what’s in it,” said one senator while signing the legislation with visible confusion, “but we know it costs trillions, and that’s how democracy works.”
The bill was unveiled shortly before midnight and passed approximately fourteen minutes later, giving legislators just enough time to post patriotic selfies before voting yes.
Several members of Congress defended the process by explaining that reading legislation creates “dangerous bottlenecks to progress.”
“If our Founders wanted representatives reading bills,” said one House member, “they would’ve invented shorter bills.”
Staffers reportedly attempted to summarize portions of the package using interpretive dance because printing the full document threatened to overheat three federal servers and a Staples in northern Virginia.
According to insiders, one section allocates $14 billion to studying whether rural Americans experience climate change differently while grilling hamburgers.
Another provision reportedly funds emotional support drones for federal employees still recovering from remote work burnout.
Meanwhile, taxpayers expressed mild concern after discovering the bill also contains a pilot program allowing the IRS to send collection notices through TikTok dances.
“I opened my phone and a government employee was flossing while explaining penalties,” said Ohio father Greg Milton. “I miss the old tyranny.”
White House officials praised the legislation as a bold investment in America’s future.
“This package reflects our values,” said Press Secretary Dana Holloway. “Compassion, sustainability, and unlimited borrowing from grandchildren.”
Critics questioned why Congress continues producing legislation longer than the Bible but less spiritually uplifting.
In response, lawmakers unveiled a new transparency initiative where Americans can request copies of bills in audiobook form narrated by exhausted interns whispering “good luck” every thirty minutes.
Economists warned the spending package may further increase inflation, though federal officials reassured citizens inflation itself has now been reclassified as “patriotic economic stretching.”
To address growing debt concerns, Congress also approved a secondary measure allowing the Treasury Department to begin counting positive vibes as liquid assets.
“We’re expanding the definition of revenue,” explained one official. “Hope is technically renewable.”
At press time, lawmakers were already preparing another emergency spending bill to address the economic damage caused by the previous emergency spending bill.
