LOS ANGELES, CA - In a move that has shocked and appalled brunch enthusiasts across the state, Governor Gavin Newsom has signed an executive order banning the sale and consumption of avocado toast within California's borders.Citing avocado-related water shortages, skyrocketing prices, and "an unacceptable level of millennial entitlement," Newsom declared the beloved breakfast staple a threat to public safety and the state's economic wellbeing.
The announcement sent shockwaves through the Golden State, triggering a wave of avocado hoarding, black market toast smuggling, and widespread protests outside of trendy cafes. Local influencers were seen weeping into their empty mason jars, while Silicon Valley startups scrambled to develop avocado toast alternatives made from kale, quinoa, and air.
Here are some of the most notable reactions to the ban:
-
Farmers Markets Erupt in Chaos: Farmers markets across the state were transformed into scenes of pandemonium as desperate avocado lovers clashed with law enforcement officials. Avocados were hurled like grenades, toast was trampled underfoot, and several arrests were made for possession of illicit guacamole.
-
Millennials Threaten to Leave the State: Outraged millennials, deprived of their avocado toast, vowed to relocate to states with more avocado-friendly policies. Oregon, Washington, and even—gasp—New York were mentioned as potential destinations, sending a chill down the spine of California's real estate market.
-
Avocado Toast Speakeasies Pop Up: In a display of true Californian resilience, underground avocado toast speakeasies began to emerge in secret locations, offering illicit brunches to those willing to risk the wrath of the authorities. Passwords, secret handshakes, and avocado tattoos were rumored to be required for entry.
Meanwhile, Governor Newsom remains steadfast in his decision, stating:
"I know this is a difficult time for many Californians, but we must make sacrifices for the greater good. We cannot allow our state to be held hostage by a single, albeit delicious, breakfast food. It's time to put our avocados where our priorities are."
Only time will tell if California can survive without its beloved avocado toast. But one thing is certain: the state's brunch scene will never be the same.
