East Palestine, OH - In a shocking turn of events, four chemically-mutated turtles have stepped forward to announce that they’re forming a crime-fighting quartet that utilizes martial arts training to fight the forces of evil. Led by a mutated rat named Splinter, the group has taken on the personas of famous Italian artists and inventors, in an apparent attempt to rid the world of whimsical criminals.
Donatello, the spokesman for these so-called “Ninja Turtles”, said during a press conference that our heroes started as regular turtles, but experienced genetic mutations shortly after the East Palestine train derailment. “Yea, we couldn’t talk or fight crime or anything like that before the chemical spill, so I guess there’s a silver lining to everything.”
At publishing time, the Ninja Turtles (who are all between 13 and 16) were being briefed by the Ohio National Guard. Apparently they were told that they’re going to be deployed to the Chicago metro area to fight crime in the inner city. Michelangelo, nunchucks in hand, seemed to be “totally stoked” to be deploying to what he called the Crime Capital of America.
