The nation was stunned this week when FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino apparently exercised the oldest constitutional right known to conservative pundits — the right to resign and return to podcasting. After a brief and comically headline-rich stint as the bureau’s second-in-command, Bongino shocked friends, enemies, and law enforcement databases everywhere by quietly announcing his departure and heading straight back to the studio lights.
Political insiders say his tenure at the FBI was like a Marvel cameo — surprising, full of sound effects, and ultimately irrelevant to the film’s plot. “He was like if Chuck Norris tried to run the DMV,” one unnamed conservative strategist joked. “Sure, we were entertained, but the lines never moved.”
Sources close to the bureau whispered that Bongino’s biggest internal battle wasn’t with crime, corruption, or bureaucracy — it was trying to figure out why he couldn’t just declare crime fake news and make it vanish like a Twitter ban. His resignation letter reportedly read less like official paperwork and more like an email titled “BRB, have to save America again lol.”
President Trump, clearly unfazed, responded with a statement praising Bongino’s service and expressing hope that ratings, not arrests, would define the next era of justice. “Dan did great,” the President noted on social media. “We’re just waiting on his 10-episode special on the Epstein Files.”
In a surprise twist, colleagues reported that Bongino’s real legacy might be what he left behind: an institutional wiki titled “How to FBI Like a Patriot,” complete with memes, motivational quotes, and a single slide reading “Trust the Plan.” A bureau spokesman confirmed these slides are being incorporated into the official FBI onboarding — right after the section on “Replacing Xerox Toner Without Panic.”
Legal experts say Bongino’s departure leaves a void in federal law enforcement, although talk-show hosts argue it leaves a much bigger void in the national echo chamber. One unnamed guest on a conservative network observed, “The real crime would’ve been if he stayed and started a book tour from inside FBI headquarters.”
As fans await Bongino’s triumphant return to daily commentary — and possibly another premium subscription tier — the big unanswered question remains: will he solve crime, or just keep telling everyone else how he would’ve done it if congressmen weren’t so woke? Stay tuned — the next episode drops Tuesday.
Final Punchline: Some say the FBI lost a deputy. Others say the podcast industry just gained its first Justice Department beat reporter. Guess which one stocks went up?
