President Donald Trump issued a brief but enthusiastic statement Tuesday night congratulating the NFL for once again achieving the impossible: uniting Americans across political, racial, and economic lines in shared bewilderment during the Super Bowl halftime show.
“People are calling me, great people, strong people,” Trump said. “They’re saying, ‘Sir, we didn’t understand a single word, but we felt something — mostly confusion.’ That’s unity.”
The halftime performance, which featured aggressive choreography, abstract symbolism, and lyrics reportedly translated by social media activists into at least twelve conflicting meanings, sparked bipartisan agreement that something had definitely happened, though no one could explain exactly what it was.
White House officials confirmed the president watched the show with senior advisors, pausing at one point to ask whether the performance was about football, climate change, or a federal grant program. “We told him yes,” one aide said.
Trump later praised Americans for surviving what he described as “cultural cardio,” noting that millions remained standing throughout the show out of respect, fear, or because they were afraid to sit at the wrong moment and be labeled problematic.
Conservatives online quickly declared the performance proof that the culture had officially “jumped the shark,” while progressives insisted anyone confused simply lacked the moral imagination required to appreciate a man dressed as a toaster interpreting late-stage capitalism through dance.
“I loved parts of it,” Trump clarified. “The lights were tremendous. The volume was incredible. No idea what it meant — which frankly makes it very European.”
Meanwhile, several families admitted they used halftime as a teachable moment, explaining to their children that art doesn’t always have to make sense, but it will always require a warning label.
At press time, the NFL confirmed next year’s halftime show will be even more inclusive, featuring music no one recognizes, choreography no one requested, and a message everyone is required to applaud.
