It all began when a crusading conservative advocacy group shared a heartfelt post**—applauding ICE for chasing down criminals and predators—**only to find LinkedIn’s algorithm apparently thinks “protecting children” qualifies as extremist rhetoric.
Conservatives were horrified. Townhall columnists declared the removal “proof that LinkedIn now equals WokeBook,” and a grassroots campaign to delete the platform went so viral that one user claimed to have accidentally uninstalled Microsoft Word instead.
LinkedIn’s Trust & Safety Squad, described by critics as “the Department of Subjective Moderation,” initially insisted the post was flagged for violating professional community standards. Moments later, they quietly reversed the decision and told the world the whole thing was a “mistake.” In the world of Silicon Valley apologies, that’s like pushing someone into a pool and calling it hydrotherapy.
State Freedom Caucus Network President Andrew Roth, never one to let a tech giant off easy, said LinkedIn’s explanation was about as credible as a toddler explaining why there’s berry jam on the cat. “Yeah right,” he said. “We will definitely never use LinkedIn again — except for job searches.”
The Heritage Foundation’s famed algorithm expert (and part-time cryptozoologist) Daniel Cochrane explained to reporters that LinkedIn’s moderation system doesn’t check for actual hate speech — it checks for spicy conservative energy. “It’s not Big Tech,” he said grandly, “it’s Gigantic Tech.”
In a press release that consisted entirely of emojis and the phrase “NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR RESUME ANYMORE,” LinkedIn announced a new job category for anyone banned under its policies: Professional Outraged Conservative. Benefits include free subscriptions to every right-wing podcast and lifetime membership to the “I Told You So” club.
Tech insiders privately admit this new job category was already on the roadmap, right after Influencer Emotional Support Specialist and NFT Meta Shepherd. Some observers say the move proves Big Tech’s top priority isn’t protecting speech — it’s creating more headlines and merchandise opportunities.
Meanwhile, conservative job seekers are reportedly excited: they finally have a professional identity that doesn’t require a LinkedIn profile photo. As one enthusiast put it, “If Big Tech wants to redefine professionalism, we’ll just redefine professional outrage. At least that pays in retweets.”
At press time, LinkedIn had already restored the post, apologized again, and launched a brand new “Conservative Friendly” badge — which ironically only appears on profiles that have never posted anything political.
And that, dear reader, is how the professional networking site became the latest incubator of conservative careers — one accidental deletion at a time.
