President Donald Trump raised eyebrows — and blood pressure across academia — this week after publicly questioning why elite universities continue receiving taxpayer money while producing graduates who can’t define a woman but can organize a protest in under four minutes.
“Harvard’s very smart, very fancy,” Trump said. “But we’re giving them billions, and what do we get? Students who hate America, hate success, and need emotional support after hearing an opposing opinion.”
The remarks came amid renewed debate over federal funding for higher education, particularly institutions whose graduates consistently demand loan forgiveness while protesting capitalism between oat-milk lattes.
Administration officials say the president is not opposed to education — just confused by what exactly students are being educated into. “We used to train leaders,” one advisor noted. “Now we train professional outrage coordinators.”
Harvard representatives responded by issuing a 19-page statement explaining that discomfort is a form of learning and that truth is a social construct, though reporters admitted they stopped reading halfway through out of self-preservation.
Students quickly organized demonstrations, chanting slogans such as “Education Is Violence” and “Facts Are Colonial,” while holding signs inexplicably printed using free-market supply chains.
Trump later clarified that he supports schools teaching history, science, and engineering — “real things” — but drew the line at majors that require trigger warnings before math.
“Look, I love smart people,” the president said. “But if you graduate owing $200,000 and can’t explain what a mortgage is, maybe the system’s rigged — and not by me.”
At press time, several universities announced new programs in “Trauma-Informed Arithmetic” and “Advanced Victimhood Studies,” assuring applicants that logic would not be required.
