In a move that shocked absolutely no one and delighted exactly a modest niche audience, conservative group Turning Point USA announced its All-American Halftime Show to rival the official Super Bowl halftime headlined by Bad Bunny.
Yes, instead of Latin trap and global pop vibes, football weekend will now feature the dulcet tones of Kid Rock, Brantley Gilbert, Lee Brice, and Gabby Barrett — a lineup that sounds less like halftime entertainment and more like the soundtrack at your Uncle Glenn’s backyard BBQ.
Organizers billed it as a celebration of “faith, family, and freedom,” which roughly translates to: Songs you already heard on your cousin’s old pickup truck stereo. Rumors circulated that the only reason they didn’t include actual church hymns was that Kid Rock’s contract rider couldn’t secure enough incense.
Critics of the official halftime pick called Bad Bunny’s performance “too global,” “too Spanish,” and “too fun,” which is the cultural version of saying someone brought guacamole to a barbeque. In response, one conservative strategist reportedly said, “We want halftime entertainment that feels like America — like apple pie, bald eagles, and really loud steel guitars.”
Kid Rock himself, now officially designated Patriot Serenader General, issued a statement saying his show will be the “David to the NFL’s Goliath,” which is a bold metaphor unless you remember Kid Rock once made music about crying in your beer.
Fans of the All-American Halftime Show are reportedly thrilled — or at least committed — while critics joked that the event could double as a time capsule of early-2000s rock nostalgia, minus the frosted tips and trucker hats. Social media polls revealed mixed reactions: half think it’s “patriotically awesome,” and the other half think it’s “just another Tuesday playlist on shuffle.”
One country fan told reporters, “Bad Bunny’s great and all, but have you ever heard a guitar solo that sounds exactly like freedom?” His companion immediately corrected him: “No, I haven’t.”
Meanwhile, the official halftime show’s organizers simply shrugged and said they were “thrilled to share global music with millions.” At least someone is thriving.
So this Super Bowl Sunday, viewers have a choice: watch a meticulously choreographed show featuring the world’s most streamed artists — or watch five middle-aged musicians try to convince everyone they still have gas in the tank. Either way, America wins. Or at least feels like it really wins.
Final Note: Rumor has it that fans of both shows will be able to simultaneously stream and meme-ify the event, creating a new category of sport: Cultural Counterprogramming.” Tickets available now on every platform except TikTok dance challenges.
