In a stunning turn of events that has left political pundits scratching their heads and democracy advocates clutching their constitutions, President Joe Biden has declared himself the undisputed monarch of the United States, rendering the quaint practice of ballot counting utterly irrelevant.
In a royal proclamation delivered from the Oval Office, Biden, adorned in a makeshift crown fashioned from recycled paper clips and a repurposed White House napkin, declared, "Hear ye, hear ye! By the divine right of democracy or something like that, I hereby proclaim myself King Joe I, ruler supreme of these United States!"
The announcement sent shockwaves through the nation, with confused citizens scrambling to make sense of the sudden shift from democracy to monarchy. However, Biden remained resolute in his newfound regal role, dismissing concerns over the legality or constitutionality of his unilateral power grab.
"Ballot counting? Pah! Who needs it when you've got a crown?" quipped the newly minted monarch, as he reclined on a throne hastily constructed from surplus Senate desks and adorned with plush pillows emblazoned with the presidential seal.
Political opponents were quick to denounce Biden's royal decree, with Republican leaders decrying what they saw as an affront to the principles of democracy. "This is outrageous!" exclaimed Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, his jowls quivering with indignation. "We must uphold the sanctity of the electoral process, even if it means we have to count every single ballot!"
But Biden remained undeterred, basking in the adulation of his newfound subjects and issuing a series of kingly edicts designed to solidify his grip on power. Executive orders were replaced with royal decrees, and congressional legislation was replaced with royal proclamations, as the gears of government ground to a regal halt.
Meanwhile, ordinary Americans found themselves grappling with the practical implications of living under a monarchy. "I used to vote in elections, but now I guess I'll just have to curtsy and pledge fealty to King Joe," lamented one bewildered voter, as she attempted to navigate the new hierarchy of power.
As the dust settled on Biden's audacious power play, one thing became abundantly clear: the age-old adage that every vote counts had been summarily tossed aside in favor of a more aristocratic approach to governance. And while some may mourn the demise of democracy, others couldn't help but marvel at the sheer audacity of a president who dared to dream of a kingdom where the ballot box was little more than a decorative relic of a bygone era.
In the end, only time will tell whether Biden's reign as King Joe I will be remembered as a bold experiment in political innovation or as a cautionary tale of the perils of unchecked ambition. But one thing is for certain: in the kingdom of Biden, the only counting that matters is the number of loyal subjects willing to bow before the throne.
