"We've tried everything else," said President Biden, holding a melting chocolate chip cookie dough cone. "Common sense gun laws, background checks, even banning assault weapons named after yummy desserts. But nothing seems to work."
He then took a large, enthusiastic bite, ice cream dripping down his chin. "That's when I remembered my childhood," he continued, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "What could be more American than resolving conflict with a scoop of Ben & Jerry's?"
Under the "Scoops for Safety" initiative, gun owners will receive a voucher for a free pint of ice cream of their choice for each firearm surrendered. The program boasts a wide variety of flavors, including "Chocolate Peace Cake," "Mint Chip Mayhem Prevention," and "Gunpowder Green Tea Gelato" (for the more adventurous gun enthusiasts).
"We're not talking about just any ice cream," emphasized the President, brandishing a second cone. "We're talking about premium, top-shelf indulgence. Because when it comes to gun violence, we deserve the best."
The initiative has already garnered mixed reactions. Gun rights advocates have expressed concerns that the program will lead to a slippery slope of government overreach into personal dessert choices. Others have questioned the effectiveness of ice cream as a deterrent to violence, suggesting that perhaps a more substantial reward, like a lifetime supply of pudding, might be necessary.
Meanwhile, ice cream manufacturers have reported a surge in stock prices, anticipating a massive increase in demand. Ben & Jerry's CEO, Jerry Greenfield, even offered to personally deliver a truckload of "Peace Pops" to the White House in support of the initiative.
"We believe that everyone deserves a world where they can enjoy a scoop of ice cream without fear of being shot," said Greenfield, handing the President a frozen treat. "And if that means melting down a few guns, then we're all for it."
Whether "Scoops for Safety" will succeed in curbing gun violence remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: America's love affair with ice cream has reached new heights, and the future of gun control may be just as sweet.
