In a move that has stunned political pundits and electricians alike, President Joe Biden has announced a nationwide initiative to ensure that the United States is never, ever in the dark. The "Bright America Act" promises to light up every nook and cranny of the nation in a bid to address what the White House has described as the President's "acute nyctophobia."
Sources close to the administration report that Biden's fear of the dark has been an open secret in the White House. Late-night staff meetings often feature aides armed with flashlights and lanterns, just in case of an unexpected power outage. The Secret Service, typically concerned with physical threats, has reportedly been trained in emergency illumination procedures.
"Darkness is the real enemy," Biden declared at a press conference held under a canopy of dazzling LED lights. "I can’t keep a nightlight under my pillow forever."
The President's plan includes distributing nightlights to every American household, illuminating highways with state-of-the-art floodlights, and installing massive spotlights on all public monuments. The Lincoln Memorial, for example, will soon rival the Las Vegas Strip in luminosity.
Critics of the plan argue that it’s a colossal waste of resources. Environmentalists are particularly concerned about the carbon footprint of keeping the entire country perpetually lit. "We’ve been advocating for reduced energy consumption, and now this?" lamented Green Party spokesperson Dawn Evre. "We can kiss the Paris Agreement goodbye."
Biden's supporters, however, are quick to point out the potential benefits. "Think of the increased productivity!" exclaimed Bright America Act advocate Lucinda Glows. "With 24/7 daylight, the economy will soar. Night shifts will become a thing of the past."
The President's announcement has even spawned a new catchphrase: "Biden's Brave New Bright." Merchandise featuring this slogan, from glow-in-the-dark T-shirts to solar-powered keychains, has already flooded the market. Some enterprising citizens have even begun marketing Biden-branded flashlight batons, perfect for both lighting your way and showing your patriotic spirit.
International reaction has been mixed. European leaders, often seen as more pragmatic, are baffled. "First the Paris Agreement, and now this. It’s as if America is turning into the world's largest beacon of irrationality," commented an anonymous EU official.
In contrast, the North Korean state media has declared the initiative a stroke of genius, immediately launching their own "Kim Jong-un Eternal Sunshine Project." They claim their leader has never feared anything, but just likes things "really, really bright."
Despite the controversies, Biden remains undeterred. "When I said we’d light the way to a brighter future, I meant it literally," he quipped, flashing his signature grin.
As night falls across the nation, one thing is certain: America will be ready, flashlight in hand, to confront the dark, one watt at a time.
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