Washington, D.C. – In a move as surprising as it is unprecedented, President Biden has announced a groundbreaking initiative to foster national unity: arresting all of his political opponents. "Look, folks," Biden declared from the Oval Office, "we've tried everything to bridge the partisan divide. Bake sales, unity picnics, mandatory singalongs of 'Kumbaya' – nothing worked. So, I'm taking a new approach: mandatory incarceration."
The move sent shockwaves through the political landscape, leaving Republicans speechless (a rare feat) and Democrats with a mix of confusion and cautious optimism. "I'm not sure I understand," stammered Senator Mitch McConnell, patting his comb-over nervously. "Is this like a group therapy retreat, only with handcuffs?"
The White House released a detailed plan outlining the mass arrest, dubbed "Operation Bringing Us Together." All Republican lawmakers, conservative pundits, and anyone who ever voted for Donald Trump will be rounded up and placed in luxurious, federally-funded resorts. "Think Club Med, but with barbed-wire fences and mandatory re-education seminars on the virtues of bipartisanship," explained Press Secretary Jen Psaki, sporting a mischievous grin.
Activities at the "Unity Resorts" will include daily yoga sessions led by AOC, mandatory book clubs featuring Obama's memoirs, and evenings filled with spirited singalongs of socialist folk songs. "We'll have everyone singing 'The Internationale' by the end of the month," Psaki quipped.
The plan has been met with mixed reactions. Some Democrats see it as a bold step towards one-party rule, while others cautiously welcome the opportunity for uninterrupted unity bonding sessions. "Finally, I can have a civilized conversation with a Republican without them bringing up Hunter Biden's laptop," said one excited Democrat.
Republicans, however, are predictably outraged. "This is a blatant abuse of power!" cried Senator Lindsey Graham, adjusting his sunglasses indoors. "It's like Stalin, but with better dental hygiene."
Meanwhile, legal experts are scratching their heads. "This is a clear violation of the First and Fifth Amendments," argued constitutional scholar Professor Harold Bloomgarden. "I mean, unless there's a really good reason to arrest all those people."
The White House has remained tight-lipped on the specifics of the arrest criteria, only hinting at "certain vague allegations of... disagreeing with the President." When pressed for details, Psaki simply winked and said, "Let's just say the evidence is overwhelming, and surprisingly delicious – it comes in a big, orange box."
Despite the legal and ethical concerns, Operation Bringing Us Together is already underway. The first wave of arrests has begun, with reports of Mitt Romney attempting to bribe his way out with a stash of Girl Scout cookies and Ted Cruz hiding in his Cancun vacation home.
As for the future of American democracy, it remains uncertain. Will this mass incarceration lead to genuine unity or simply a nation of singing, re-educated dissenters? Only time will tell. But one thing is clear: the next time someone asks you about the "good old days" of American politics, you can confidently reply, "Those were the days before Biden brought us together."
