In a move that has left technophiles scratching their heads and nostalgic grandparents nodding in approval, President Joe Biden has announced a bold initiative to ban the development and distribution of new technology. Citing a desire to recapture the innocence and wonder of his youth, the President declared, "I just want to feel like a kid again."
In a hastily arranged press conference, Biden reminisced about simpler times when the height of technological innovation was the television and the rotary phone. "Back then, you didn't have to worry about social media algorithms or privacy breaches. You just sat back, watched 'I Love Lucy,' and dialed your friend's number without fear of being tracked."
The ban, which encompasses everything from smartphones to smartwatches, has sparked outrage among Silicon Valley elites and concern among economists. "This is a huge step backward for progress," said tech entrepreneur Elon Musk, who reportedly attempted to sway the President with promises of interplanetary travel and brain-computer interfaces.
But Biden remained resolute, insisting that the ban was for the greater good. "We've become too reliant on screens and gadgets," he declared. "It's time to unplug and reconnect with what truly matters: playing outside, reading books made of paper, and having face-to-face conversations without the distraction of notifications."
Critics of the ban have pointed out the irony of a President who famously struggled with technology during his campaign now leading the charge against it. "It's like watching your grandpa try to set up a Wi-Fi router," quipped one commentator.
In response to concerns about the impact on the economy, the Biden administration has promised to invest heavily in industries that harken back to a bygone era, such as vinyl record manufacturing and typewriter repair shops. "We're going to bring back the good old days," Biden proclaimed, "one obsolete technology at a time."
As the ban goes into effect, the nation braces for a wave of nostalgia-induced sentimentality and a surge in demand for retro gadgets. But amidst the chaos, there are whispers of dissent and a growing realization that perhaps, just perhaps, progress isn't something to be feared but embraced. After all, as one pundit put it, "You can't turn back the clock, but you can upgrade it to a digital smartwatch."
