In a bold move that definitely wasn’t just clicking “Block User” on the entire Caribbean, the U.S. government unveiled its newest foreign-policy initiative: the Complete Naval Blockade and Emotional Support Hotline for Sanctioned Heads of State.
Under this new program — lovingly named “Operation Gentle Wraparound Services” — every leader under blockade will now receive:
A complimentary emotional support cruiser with spa-like accommodations.
Weekly Zoom check-ins with U.S. diplomats asking, “So, how does that make you feel?”
A curated oil-tanker playlist designed to soothe those weary Venezuelan petro-souls.
When asked why this was necessary, a senior White House aide explained: “We’re not just here to block your tankers — we’re here to feel your feelings about it.” Rumor has it even Maduro has a counselor on speed dial: “Yes Nicolás, I hear you… but really, what does the oil mean to you?”
Meanwhile, back at home, critics argue this strategy blurs the line between national security and spiritual awakening, prompting one senior lawmaker to tweet, “Next we’ll be forcing yoga retreats on adversarial CEOs.” And honestly — good.
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