The White House proudly announced Monday that the border crisis has officially ended — not because anything changed on the ground, but because the administration updated the terminology in a PowerPoint slide.
According to senior officials, the situation formerly known as a “border crisis” is now being referred to as a “dynamic humanitarian mobility experience,” a phrase they insist better reflects the administration’s values and absolutely nothing else.
“Words matter,” said one unnamed official while standing in front of a chart showing arrows, hearts, and zero enforcement mechanisms. “When Americans hear ‘crisis,’ they panic. When they hear ‘mobility,’ they think of electric scooters and airport moving walkways.”
The announcement came after several awkward press briefings in which reporters kept asking why millions of people continue to cross the border illegally. Officials responded by blinking slowly and pointing to the updated glossary.
Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas praised the move, calling it “a major step toward compassionate non-awareness.” He added, “If we stop calling it a problem, eventually people will forget to notice it.”
Internal documents confirm the administration also tested alternative phrases such as “surprise demographic expansion,” “unplanned cultural exchange,” and “border-adjacent vibes,” before settling on the current term for its balance of ambiguity and moral superiority.
Critics argue the rebrand doesn’t fix overcrowded facilities, fentanyl trafficking, or overwhelmed border communities. The White House countered by reminding critics that they are “focused on the past” and “probably hate joy.”
One official dismissed concerns outright. “Look, if naming storms works, why wouldn’t naming crises work?” he said. “Hurricanes calm down eventually. So will this. Probably.”
Faith leaders expressed confusion but appreciation for the honesty. “Scripture teaches us to speak truth,” said one pastor. “This administration teaches us to speak whatever helps polling.”
Meanwhile, activists applauded the move as a victory for inclusion. “The border isn’t broken,” said one nonprofit spokesperson. “It’s just misunderstood. Like my student loan balance.”
At press time, the administration confirmed it is considering renaming inflation “price enthusiasm” and crime “unexpected urban storytelling.”
Punchline: Officials say if the new wording fails, the next step is to simply stop holding press briefings and declare silence the most compassionate policy of all.
