[WASHINGTON, D.C.] — In what political insiders are calling the most shocking ceasefire since the Great Christmas Cookie Shortage of 2023, Candace Owens and Turning Point USA CEO Erika Kirk actually met in person and agreed on something. Yes, something!
“Very productive 4½ hours,” the two tweeted simultaneously, like synchronized swimmers of no-win culture combat season. For the first time in weeks, both agreed to stop public feuding — and stop tweeting — until after their groundbreaking summit of the MAGA Civil War.
It was initially pitched as the next great conservative spectacle: “Candace vs Erika: Gloves Off.” But upon arriving in the same room without body armor, both sides realized they could actually talk to each other without shouting over a crowd of randos livestreaming on TikTok.
“Honestly, we agreed on more than I thought,” Owens confessed with the weary relief of someone who just learned not every debate has to be held on X/XZillion. Erika nodded sagely, adding, “There were points of disagreement, sure. But at least we clarified our intel.” Sources close to the conversation say they literally shared “intel” — which may or may not have been leftover Christmas cookies.
Political analysts are stunned. “I’ve been covering Washington for decades and never expected negotiation without a hashtag war,” said one seasoned pundit. “This is like seeing two cats drink from the same bowl.” The analyst paused to remove coffee from keyboard.
Back-channel whispers suggest the summit succeeded because both sides were starving for normalcy. After weeks of conspiratorial mini-wars — including alternate theories about everything from world governments to last year’s barbecue sauce shortage — this meeting may have reset the civil war clock… at least until next week’s livestream.
Asked about future cooperation, Owens simply smiled and said, “We’ll see.” Kirk echoed, “More details soon.” Translation: expect a podcast, a webinar, and at least seven contradictory pressers. In politics as in life, peace may be temporary — but the merch will be everlasting.
Punchline: At press time, organizers announced commemorative peace scarves — available for preorder — because nothing says détente like branded schmoozing gear.
