"Look, folks," Biden explained, squinting into the teleprompter like a grandpa trying to read a restaurant menu in dim lighting, "we all know times are tough. Inflation's a real son-of-a-gun, gas prices are higher than Hunter's artistic aspirations, and heck, even Corn Pops aren't what they used to be. That's why I'm proud to announce this historic program that'll put a little sweetness back in everyone's morning… except for Mitch, that grumpy old coot."
White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, sporting a "Corn Pops for All!" t-shirt several sizes too small, elaborated on the exclusion. "Senator McConnell has consistently obstructed this administration's agenda, from Build Back Better to, yes, even Corn Pops for All! He's like the kid who eats all the marshmallows in Lucky Charms and leaves you with nothing but soggy oat squares. So, no Corn Pops for Mitch."
McConnell, predictably, was not amused. "This is outrageous!" he sputtered, his face turning the same shade as a stale Cheerio. "This is socialism! This is pandering! This is… this is just plain unfair! I mean, I love Corn Pops! They're like tiny, sugary reminders of a simpler time, a time when bipartisanship wasn't just a dusty old board game in the back of the Senate closet."
Meanwhile, Americans were divided. Some cheered the initiative, praising Biden's "sweet tooth for the common man." Others questioned the economic feasibility of showering the nation in marshmallowy cereal, suggesting perhaps a more targeted approach, like "Corn Pops for Kids Who Can't Afford Them" or "Corn Pops for Seniors Who Think They're Still Kids."
One particularly enterprising individual, a man named Bob from Des Moines, saw a golden opportunity. "I'm gonna buy up all the Corn Pops in Iowa," he declared, a glint in his eye, "and sell them to McConnell at a thousand bucks a box! That'll show him who the real sugar daddy is!"
As the nation grapples with inflation, political gridlock, and the existential dread of knowing Mitch McConnell still enjoys Corn Pops, one thing is clear: Biden's "Corn Pops for All!" initiative has undeniably injected a much-needed dose of absurdity into the national discourse. Whether it's a stroke of political genius or just a sugar rush-fueled fever dream, only time – and the bottom of the Corn Pops box – will tell.
