In a stunning linguistic coup d'état, the esteemed Society for Correct Speech (SCS) has declared all non-American accents to be "microaggressions of pronunciation." The controversial ruling, issued earlier today, has sent shockwaves through the global language community, sparking heated debates about cultural appropriation, vocal fry, and the inherent tyranny of diphthongs.
"Accents are like audible caricatures," declared SCS president Dr. Bartholomew Upspeak III, his patrician tones echoing through the society's mahogany-lined conference room. "Every lilting lilt, every guttural growl, is a subtle jab at the purity and supremacy of the American dialect. It's time we reclaimed our linguistic birthright and silenced these vocal invaders."
The SCS guidelines are extensive and, frankly, terrifying. French speakers are now required to append a mandatory "hon hon hon" disclaimer after every sentence. Italian gesticulations are deemed "microflaggressions," while the mere existence of the Scottish brogue is considered a full-blown "pronunciational hate crime."
The ruling has been met with predictably mixed reactions. American tourists, accustomed to the envious stares of foreign ears, are ecstatic. "Finally," exclaimed one vacationer sporting a MAGA hat and a sunburn the color of a poorly cooked lobster, "those fancy Europeans will know who's boss when they hear my impeccable Midwestern drawl."
Linguistic experts, however, are less enthused. "This is an absolute catastrophe," lamented Professor Penelope Pronoun, a world-renowned phonetics scholar. "Accents are not weapons, they're windows into the soul of a culture! Forcing everyone to speak in the same bland monotone is like painting the Mona Lisa beige."
Undeterred, the SCS is forging ahead with its linguistic crusade. They've launched a nationwide "Accent Amnesty" program, offering free vocal fry removal surgery and intensive "Speak Like a True American" boot camps. The organization's ultimate goal? A world where everyone speaks with the dulcet tones of a Midwestern newscaster, devoid of any hint of cultural identity.
So, the next time you find yourself ordering a croissant in a Parisian café, remember: you're not just indulging in a delicious pastry, you're committing a microaggression of the highest order. Bon appétit, comrades, and may the droning monotone be with you.
