Just when you thought the Biden family drama couldn’t get any wilder, Hunter Biden has managed to make headlines again – and not for anything you’d find on Etsy. Barely a day after being released following his previous legal escapades, Hunter embarked on what experts are calling “the most ambitious crime spree in modern history.”
And, in true Biden family fashion, the President was there to clean up the mess – with his trusty pardon pen.
Witnesses say it all began mere hours after Hunter’s release, when he was spotted joyriding in a Tesla he "borrowed" from a congressional aide's driveway. From there, he allegedly made stops at a high-end art gallery (to autograph someone else’s paintings for profit), a casino (where he lost $75,000 in taxpayer-funded poker chips), and a suburban PTA meeting (to unsuccessfully sell "influencer access" to his father). The spree culminated in an attempted heist of a vintage typewriter from the Smithsonian, reportedly because Hunter claimed he needed “something to write my next memoir on, man.”
When news of Hunter’s antics reached the White House, President Joe Biden reportedly sighed, set down his tapioca pudding, and said, “Not again, champ.” Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre held an emergency press briefing, during which she dodged every question by reminding reporters that the President “loves his son unconditionally.” Within hours, Biden exercised his constitutional power to pardon Hunter yet again, marking what analysts are calling “the fastest family pardon in U.S. history.” Critics have dubbed this act the “Pardon-Your-Kid Protocol,” though White House officials maintain it’s just an “act of love.”
Republican lawmakers, predictably, were quick to criticize the move. Speaker Mike Johnson issued a statement reading, “This is not the purpose of presidential pardons. Hunter Biden’s behavior is turning the Justice Department into a late-night sitcom.” Even Democrats appeared exasperated. Senator Elizabeth Warren was overheard muttering, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe Joe should’ve let Kamala handle this one.” Meanwhile, social media erupted with memes, including a popular one showing a Monopoly “Get Out of Jail Free” card featuring Hunter’s face.
Hunter, unbothered as always, responded to the controversy in an exclusive interview with The New Yorker. “Look, man, life is complicated. Sometimes you make mistakes, and sometimes those mistakes involve international arms dealers and a karaoke machine. But Dad’s got my back. Love you, Pops.” He also teased a new memoir, tentatively titled From the White House to the Outhouse: My American Journey, slated for release in early 2025.
Rumors are swirling that President Biden is considering preemptively pardoning Hunter for all potential future crimes, a move legal scholars are scrambling to decipher. “It’s uncharted territory,” said one constitutional expert, “but so is everything else with this family.”
As for Hunter, sources say he’s already planning his next venture: a line of artisanal crack pipes marketed as “presidentially approved.” Stay tuned.
