BREAKING: MEDIA IN MENTAL LOCKDOWN
CNN anchors reportedly fainted as Trump suggested Ukraine stop fighting. Producers screamed, “He’s surrendering democracy!” while updating their résumés for RT.
ZELENSKYY LEFT STUNNED
Sources say Zelenskyy left the Oval Office “empty-handed and emotionally unsupported,” demanding Tomahawk missiles and a participation trophy.
DEMOCRATS SOUND THE ALARM
Pelosi warned that Trump “handing over Donbas” meant “Putin might annex our feelings next.” Chuck Schumer called for sanctions on reality itself.
PUTIN PHONE CALL PANIC
Trump’s chat with Putin triggered DEFCON MSNBC. Rachel Maddow compared it to “Pearl Harbor, Watergate, and brunch cancellation—all at once.”
TRUMP SHRUGS, AMERICA EXHALES
While the left hyperventilated, Trump grinned: “Peace is patriotic.” CNN immediately fact-checked “patriotic” as Russian code for victory.
