White House Unveils New 'Fiscal Feelings' Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a pivot from what experts are calling 'outdated numerical-based economics,' the White House today announced a bold new plan to combat inflation by replacing the entire Council of Economic Advisers with a panel of highly-trained empathy coordinators, life coaches, and slam poets.
The new agency, tentatively named the Department of Economic Validation (DEV), will be tasked with addressing the nation’s financial anxieties not by implementing fiscal policy, but by 'holding space' for the collective financial trauma of the American people.
“For too long, economic policy has been dominated by cold, unfeeling data points like 'gas prices' and 'the cost of groceries,'” explained new Chief Feelings Officer, Aspen Kael-Symthe, during a press conference held in a renovated calming room. “Our administration believes that what Americans truly need right now isn't lower prices, but the assurance that we understand their journey and validate their lived experience of seeing a $9 carton of eggs.”
According to a pamphlet printed on recycled paper, the DEV's flagship program will be a nationwide 'listening tour' where officials will travel to grocery stores and gas stations not to offer relief, but to nod understandingly and say things like, “That sounds really hard for you,” and, “I’m hearing that the price of ground beef is impacting your ability to live your truth.”
From The Consumer Price Index To The Collective Wellness Index
The administration's plan involves several key initiatives aimed at transitioning the country from a results-based economy to a feelings-based one:
- The National Mood Index (NMI): This will replace the antiquated Consumer Price Index (CPI). Instead of tracking prices, the NMI will poll citizens on their 'fiscal vibes' and whether economic news coverage has been emotionally triggering.
- Affirmation Stimulus Checks: While direct monetary stimulus is off the table, the Treasury will begin issuing non-negotiable checks with uplifting phrases like “You Are More Than Your Bank Account” and “Manifesting Abundance.”
- Gas Pump Trigger Warnings: In a partnership with the Department of Transportation, gas pumps will soon feature labels warning consumers that the final price may be 'problematically high' and could 'activate financial anxieties.' A QR code will link to a 5-minute guided meditation.
When asked by a reporter how validating feelings would help a family afford to fill up their minivan, Kael-Symthe adjusted their sustainably sourced spectacles and smiled patiently.
“That question comes from a place of fiscal privilege,” Kael-Symthe explained. “You’re centering the 'van' and the 'filling,' rather than the emotional labor of the person performing the transaction. Our goal is to decolonize the wallet. We believe that once a person feels truly seen in their struggle to afford basic goods, the need for those goods will become secondary to the feeling of communal support.”
Voters Remain Skeptical, But Heard
Reaction on the street has been mixed. “So, they’re not going to do anything about prices, they’re just going to send a guy to cry with me about it?” asked Dale Hardart, a plumber from Ohio. “I guess that’s something. My wife says I don’t share my feelings enough anyway.”
Another shopper, Maria Flores, was less impressed. “I tried to pay for my milk by explaining my generational trauma to the cashier,” she said. “Security was called. I don't think this new system has been fully implemented yet.”
The administration remains confident that its 'empathy-forward' approach is the key to victory in the upcoming elections. Campaign strategists are already workshopping new slogans, including “Vote Democrat: We Feel You,” and “A Future Where Your Debt Is Forgiven, Emotionally.”
As the press conference concluded, Kael-Symthe led the White House press corps in a group breathing exercise to “exhale stagnant wage energy” and “inhale the promise of a more inclusive, albeit more expensive, tomorrow.” The Dow Jones Industrial Average reportedly responded by sobbing uncontrollably in a corner.
