Movement Redefines 'Winning' To Mean Something More Attainable
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the wake of yet another crushing primary defeat, this time for 'Squad' member Rep. Jamaal Bowman in New York, the nation's foremost progressive leaders gathered via a secure Zoom call Wednesday to announce a bold strategic pivot: they're going to keep doing exactly what they've been doing, but feel even better about it when they lose.
The new initiative, titled 'Project Inevitable Breakthrough,' re-contextualizes electoral defeats as 'pre-victories' and celebrates key performance indicators such as tweet impressions, celebrity endorsements, and the number of times a candidate says 'late-stage capitalism' in a debate.
'Look, anyone can win an election by getting more votes. That's old-paradigm thinking,' explained Willow Aspen, a spokesperson for the newly formed 'Coalition for Eventually Winning.' 'We're playing the long game. Every time one of our candidates is soundly rejected by the electorate, it simply proves how far ahead of the curve we are. In a way, losing is the ultimate victory because it confirms the system is exactly as corrupt as we said it was.'
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the movement's spiritual and stylistic guide, was quick to frame Mr. Bowman's double-digit loss not as a failure, but as a testament to the awesome power of their opponents. 'The fact that billionaires and corporate interests had to spend millions of dollars to defeat us just shows how powerful we truly are,' she might have explained in a lengthy social media video filmed from her kitchen. 'They wouldn't spend that kind of money if our ideas weren't a threat. So, really, who's the real winner here? It's us, for making them spend the money.'
A Pattern of Non-Ballot-Box Success
The strategy appears to be working, based on the movement's own internal metrics. While progressives have struggled to unseat moderate incumbents in races from Texas to Ohio to New York, they have achieved resounding successes in other, more important arenas:
- Dominance in Op-Eds: The movement has successfully placed a record number of articles in online magazines explaining in detail why their electoral losses are actually wins.
- Yard Sign Saturation: A post-election analysis of Mr. Bowman's district is expected to show his campaign achieved a 98% yard-sign-to-voter conversion rate among people who already agreed with him.
- Raising Awareness: An overwhelming majority of voters in defeated districts are now acutely aware that there was, in fact, an election they chose not to vote in for the progressive candidate.
'We didn't lose the primary; we simply failed to overcome a tidal wave of billionaire-funded propaganda that convinced voters to vote against their own interests,' explained local activist Kai, who uses they/them pronouns and was stapling a 'Don't Worry, We'll Get 'Em Next Time!' flyer to a telephone pole. 'Our job now is to spend the next two years explaining to those same voters why they were wrong. They'll come around eventually.'
The Future is Bright, and Probably Unfunded
Leaders of the movement are reportedly already scouting for the next primary race where they can deploy their battle-tested strategy of being out-organized and out-messaged by the establishment. The ideal candidate is said to be someone with a compelling personal story, a revolutionary policy platform that polls in the single digits, and a strong allergy to compromising with anyone, ever.
'The revolution will not be televised, primarily because it keeps getting canceled after the pilot episode fails to attract viewers,' commented one anonymous DNC strategist. 'But you have to admire their persistence. It takes a special kind of conviction to look at a scoreboard that reads 100 to 3 and declare that you're winning on vibes.'
As the dust settles in New York, the progressive movement is undeterred, already planning its next moral victory. 'This is just the beginning,' Aspen from the Coalition for Eventually Winning insisted. 'We will continue to fight, to organize, and to lose elections until the people finally understand that winning isn't everything. It's the earnest, beautifully articulated struggle that really counts.'
