The White House held a reassuring press briefing Tuesday to calm growing concerns about censorship, authoritarianism, and whether Americans are still allowed to speak freely without first consulting a federal therapist.
According to officials, free speech remains fully intact, as long as it is quiet, compliant, temporary, and immediately abandoned when it becomes inconvenient.
“Let me be very clear,” said one senior communications aide while nervously adjusting a ‘Truth Through Compliance’ lapel pin. “Americans can say whatever they want. We just ask that they do so silently, internally, and without influencing anyone else.”
The clarification followed backlash over renewed government partnerships with tech companies to “address misinformation,” a phrase that now broadly includes satire, Bible verses, statistics from before 2019, and any sentence beginning with, “I’m just asking a question.”
Officials insisted the effort is not censorship but “narrative hygiene.”
“You wouldn’t let someone cough freely during a pandemic,” said another spokesperson. “So why let someone share an unvaccinated opinion?”
To ensure transparency, the administration released a helpful list of Approved Opinions, including:
- Trusting experts who agree with us
- Supporting democracy by questioning elections only overseas
- Celebrating diversity while speaking identically
- Expressing faith privately, quietly, and preferably metaphorically
Anything else, Americans were reminded, may result in temporary shadow-banning, permanent algorithmic invisibility, or a friendly knock from someone who insists they’re “just here to talk.”
One official stressed that this is about safety, not control. “Words can hurt,” she explained. “Especially when they contradict official talking points. We can’t allow dangerous ideas like biological reality or historical context to spread unchecked.”
Critics have accused the administration of outsourcing censorship to tech platforms, NGOs, and “independent fact-checkers” who all coincidentally share the same opinions and donor lists.
The White House dismissed those claims as misinformation.
“If we were silencing dissent,” the spokesperson said confidently, “you wouldn’t even be hearing about it.”
To prove their commitment to free expression, officials highlighted that Americans are still allowed to protest—provided permits are filed, chants are pre-approved, and signs contain no offensive language such as ‘freedom,’ ‘constitution,’ or ‘let’s go.’
At press time, the administration announced plans for a new educational initiative encouraging children to “use their voices responsibly,” which mostly involves listening, nodding, and reporting parents who ask too many questions.
Punchline: Freedom of speech is alive and well—just on mute.
