Once upon a legislative nightmare, Minnesota Republicans announced they are filing articles of impeachment against Gov. Tim Walz — and not because he took anyone’s lunch money, but because he might have doodled in the margins of a budget memo.
“We heard rumors,” said state Rep. Mike Wiener, holding a stack of impeachment docs so tall it could double as a leaning tower. “And by rumors we mean 12 emails, three tweets, and a suspicious eyebrow waggle. Accountability matters!”
Wiener, clearly inspired by that Instagram filter that makes everything look dramatic, told reporters that Walz’s alleged failure to stamp out fraud was practically a constitutional emergency. “He may have failed to glance sideways at fraud reports,” Wiener declared. “That’s enough for Articles, people!”
Walz, meanwhile, responded from an undisclosed location (possibly a coffee shop) saying, “I signed checks and once used my good pen instead of the backup. I’m innocent of everything.”
Republican legislators say they already have support from 10 colleagues — though some only agreed after seeing how cool the impeachment paperwork looked in 3-D. One representative admitted they backed it merely because the phrase ‘constitutional reckoning’ sounded like a metal band name.
Political analysts point out that the Minnesota House is evenly split, meaning this impeachment effort may be more symbolic than substantive — like passing a resolution to ban bad fonts in official documents.
Critics argue this is all performative. Walz’s defenders say the GOP should focus on concrete issues, like whether mid-season lutefisk festivals should be state holidays. But none of that has stopped the impeachment brigade. Some lawmakers are rumored to be drafting future articles over suspected misuse of state staplers.
By early February, when the legislature reconvenes, Minnesotans may be treated to riveting cliffhangers like “Did Gov. Walz Actually Commit a Crime?” and “Can You Impeach a Governor for Doodling Hearts?”
At press time, a bipartisan group of Minnesotans asked whether they could instead impeach the office of bureaucracy itself — but those papers are still being drafted.
