In a development that has Minnesotans exchanging confused looks and extra-strong winter jackets, former President Donald Trump announced he may invoke the 19th-century Insurrection Act — the law that lets presidents sort of drag out the military — in response to protests over controversial immigration enforcement actions in Minneapolis.
“We will end the travesty,” the former president proclaimed in a Truth Social post that read like a mash-up of a national security briefing and a carnival barker’s pitch. “If the corrupt politicians of Minnesota don’t obey the law and stop the professional agitators and insurrectionists, we will invoke the Insurrection Act.”
Minnesotans were left wondering which part of “protesting over a complicated federal–local conflict” suddenly became an insurrection simulator. A local bratwurst vendor said, “I thought insurrection was eating too many sausages and being unable to stand.”
The uproar stems from a federal immigration enforcement surge across the Twin Cities, during which thousands of agents allegedly engaged in warrantless stops and civil-rights testing exercises Minnesotans now politely describe as “Operation Cheese Grater.”
Mayor Jacob Frey, whose previous directive was to remain peaceful or “go home,” now finds himself mediating between two federal agencies, a protest crowd, and at least three distinct interpretations of what constitutes an “insurrection.”
An ACLU lawsuit calls the federal tactics “unconstitutional,” while a rival sign in downtown Minneapolis reads, “Bring the tanks, we need road salt more.”
Critics argue that deploying active-duty troops to handle a protest is like using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut — or to defend a walnut from itself. Supporters, however, say that if the military isn’t involved, the situation officially did not happen.
One Trump advisor, echoing the administration’s logic, explained that Minnesota’s icy sidewalks and politically charged protests create a “perfect simulation environment” for the Insurrection Act — like a historical reenactment, but with snow and federal lawyers.
Local farmers reportedly welcomed the news, as they had been using the National Guard tractors on loan and now won’t have to return them. Meanwhile, Minnesota tourism boards are considering rebranding the state as “America’s Coldest Boot Camp,” featuring 24/7 protests, legal challenges, and complimentary musket demonstrations for visiting families.
In a final flourish, the former president promised incentives for any statewide insurrection simulator participants, including extra hotdish coupons and a chance at federal surplus ponchos. The official tagline now reads: “Minnesota 2026 — Cold Winds, Hot Debates, All Military Welcome.”
